My beautiful Tayo

I sat on the little stairs that stood on the entrance of my house adjusting my little cassette player. It was 5pm and it was time for the radio to start playing Asa, I did this everyday, it was my favourite part of the day and it prepared me for when Tayo would get back. She filled me with a certain kind of power and peace and although I was never able to act on that power, the peace helped, it didn't really. Tayo hates when I don't beg, he tries harder then, but it's easier for him to break me when I'm not fortified. You're probably wondering why I married him. Everybody wonders that. When people talk about bad marriages, they state that we had seen the obvious and blame it on us wanting money, Tayo was penniless, broke as shit. But aren't we also raised to believe that a good woman stays with you despite your financial standards, joke. I was a quiet child, I didn't listen much because my mind always wandered off, mother used to drag my ears for that, she would call my name several times but I would always be listening to something else, the loud voices of the women in front of our little house haggling about the price of yam or fish, the bellowing cry of a child crying or laughing, the men who sat in the house next to ours would bring out their chairs by 12pm and start their drinking marathon, they were always so on time, that's how i met my Tayo. No, no, not from him drinking, from me people watching, his house was on the left, this wasn't the drinking house, it was were everybody ran to fill their buckets, the only house with a functional tap on our little street.

It was a sunny day, my mom had dragged my ears twice that morning and sent me the house on the left to get water so she could take her bathe and leave for work– mom's job is another conversation I'm not ready to talk about–. There was a line so I placed my bucket behind and stood waiting for my turn and that was when I saw him, wearing his neatly ironed white shirt and slightly faded black trousers, his dark skin was like glass, no blemish, no blackhead, and how were his lips so pink?–The Tayo I fell in love with was beautiful–he took a quick glance at me and walked out, I didn't think he looked at me then though, he told me that 4 months later, the day we finally said words to each other. His voice was like milk, they sent a shiver down my spine, he didn't give my mind the time to wander off, the words that came out of his mouth sent vibrations through my veins, how could one look like that and sound like that, I was convinced God had favourites. Ty was perfect. Why wouldn't he be? He was the only one who looked normal on this street, other than his landlord's kids, but they were never around so there was no one to compare him with. He made me talk about the things I observed, the things I liked, he paid so much attention and just peered into my eyes, he made me feel heard and seen. I remember the first gift he got me, he sent that little kid whose nose was always running to call me, that was our means of communication, I didn't have a phone and I didn't want him to knock on the door himself because what if I was sitting with my wrapper tied to my waist like I was did, I didn't want him to see me like that. Yes! The gift he got me, a little bracelet that had a star on it, he said I was his star. And the same way I remember this moment is how I remember our first fight, it was less of a fight and more of an attack. I didn't know how to shout, I don't think I talked enough as a child to learn how to shout, he had lost his promotion to the other person running and came back drunk, we were already married then, I reached out to console him and he shoved my hand away and then he started to yell that if I hadn't made him so focused on us trying to have kids he could have done a lot more, he said I dragged him back and me I was useless and jobless, a year ago he told me he didn't want me to work, that I was his princess and he wanted to take care of me. I just sat there not saying anything and that made him more furious. He wanted me to yell and chastise him and mock him because he was so hurt and wanted to be degraded, but I couldn't do that. I loved him. And everytime time he yelled after that he made sure to make me feel small because he knew I wouldn't say anything at least he thought so, till the night he talked about my mother, even I was scared by the sound of my voice and when I was done yelling he pushed me on the chair and tried to kiss me because I had stood up for myself, but now I didn't want him to touch me because what kind of sick human wants that? And when I resisted he pushed me down, pressed his weight on me and that was the first rape. The man I adored raped me. And he carried on the next day like nothing happened, he was nicer, almost like the old Tayo, it disgusted me, enraged me, how could he go on? But a good wife doesn't leave their husband, I wanted to be good for him so I held it all in and blocked it out, I chose to carry on believing that would be the last time. 6 months later his company let go of some staff and Tayo wasn't part of the safe ones because he didn't get that promotion, that was when I saw the monster I had married, he created a routine, one night he would rain curses on me, on another he would rape me and on the other the would hit me and on each night me made sure I cooked for him. Why don't I leave? I don't know. Because I don't want to be like my father who left. I don't want to be called a bad wife. Because Asa was still looking for a man, and I didn't want to be alone like mom, she begged me to leave once, mom, she said being alone wasn't bad but I watched her live didn't I? At least on one day of each week he's like my beautiful Tayo, I only have to endure 6 days till he holds me in his arms and apologises.