Countdown

In life, you see things, hear things, wish for things and everyday you hope that someone can hear your thoughts, that they can feel the change in your heart beat, see your eyes quiver because the pain eats at you so hard that it's difficult to speak, it's painful to breathe. That's how the last years felt, like being stuck in traffic, seeated n the car, legs cramped, blood flow restricted, as the air from the AC chokes you, but you can't stick your head out of the windows, what if a car moves and takes your head along? What if the windows don't even exist? What if the cab driver yells at you? Your brain plays every possible way that trying to survive is the bad choice so you sit there sweating, choking but still smiling as you slowly die.

That's how the last few months felt, holding on to Temi's voice, replaying her voice notes over and over when the voices got too loud, searching for memories of her hug while clinging to your pillow late at night and trying to push the intrusive thoughts away, dying from mosquito bites because the thought of keeping insecticides in your house terrified you, what if the voices won? Remember the day you threw all your knives away? When you stopped buying matches because what if your head convinced you to place just one on your skin? How blades terrify you? And how you lived life with the constant thought of how your thoughts could win? You didn't want to do this, you didn't want to hurt them, you wanted to hold on to Temi's hands, you didn't want her to cry so you held on a little longer, it would be worth it you thought, they say with time the pain stops so all you had to do was buy more time for whatever magical healing fairy who would fix all this to find you, you had to hold on. That's how the last few weeks played out, not showering, not being able to get out bed, not being able to order food, how could you cook? You had made it impossible to turn on the gas? You didn't even have knives to cut your onions and the tears from slicing would remind you of how you've spent the last 2 months not being able to shed tears because your insides were dead, you didn't play her voice notes anymore, all that didn't matter, nobody was coming to save you, all your trying and holding on hadn't helped, people caring didn't help and talking about it hadn't either, nothing mattered.

This is how the last day was. Relief. To finally feel free, it wasn't a battle, you had done your best, every single day you held on was a win, but you couldn't anymore, she wasn't enough, people say you only need to have one thing to hold onto, you just need one person to believe in you, but that's not how it works, it wasn't fair to anyone, it wasn't fair to Temi, she was the love of your life but she didn't need that burden, she didn't need to drive to your house after a long day of work to make sure you were okay, she was too precious, she didn't deserve that, and she wasn't enough either, only one part of your life wasn't enough to base your entire existence and will on, so you came to a decision, to give in, to listen to the other side, to reach out to those calling for you, this world isn't for you, and for the first time ever you felt peace, you let the world guide you, you let your thoughts win, because it took the pressure away from everyone, they would be sad, but you would forever exist as pieces of their lives, the moments you shared with them would be stay with them and hopefully you would be reunited. So you took one last shower, you scrubbed and scrubbed and washed the sadness away because after so many years you finally felt bliss, you got dressed, shut the door, and headed for your car, it was time to let go.